I need my ego stroked.
Thank you Based God.
I know as a gay man, I’ll never have my parents’ approval… But it always hurts when I’m reminded of it.
It’s been a long time since I felt like I didn’t fit in.
Today, the graphic design program at my school went on a “on-site visit” (SEE field trip) and we had to do a student carpool. I carpooled with three white people. Alla this is important for later so remember it.
When I started the program, well college really, I was unsure whether I should get close to anybody. In high school, I was the average hoodlum and that was the crowd I kept. Figured these be my boys for life.
That ain’t happen.
A few figured I was gay, because I was never cuffing a bitch or macking a ho nor did I show interest. At heart, I’m nothing like that so when they all started knocking chicks up and dropped out, I “ran outta friends”… So I kept to myself and didn’t bother making anymore.
I went off to college with optimism. Told myself, “Fuck this and anybody opposed because I’m coming out and I want the world to know,” or whatever the lyrics are. Told myself I was nixing all the homophobic people in my life who wouldn’t be cool with me being gay. And I did that… I was gonna replace them with gay friends.
So I get to college and I thought I was gonna make friends with the gay clique on campus. Small community college. About 10 out and proud gays. All of em had they wrists hanging loose and caboose tooted like flutes. I wasn’t tripping. True friends who accepted me were better than the opposite. I thought I was gonna make some good friends.
That ain’t happen.
They ain’t like me. To them I wasn’t gay enough. I was hiding who I really was. I was just some trade nigga. I ain’t fit in no way. But did I figure that was the problem? Nope… That just wasn’t my calling, because that’s just not my crowd.
So why not make friends with the people in your program? It’s easy. And obvious as shit! Why not do that? I didn’t wanna make friends with my competition. When I started college, I was slow to make friends simply because I didn’t wanna mistakenly get close to anyone who might not like me because I’m gay. The keep the competition shit at bay left for various reasons and some of the people in the program grew on me.
I regret not staying to myself.
College is fucking crazy. It’s stressful. It’s depressing. It’s expensive when you go off to college, too. Without family or friends, you’ll be shit outta luck when you’re caught out there. So I made friends.
Deep fucking shitty coated sigh.
Today, on the way back from the field trip the three white people showed they natural white asses. The guy driving is a known douche, asshole, tool, jerk. He says rude shit daily and is very inappropriate. He’s cool though and a lot of what he says is funny albeit racist, homophobic, chauvinistic, etc. He’s not afraid to take shots at himself though and always turns the inappropriate mirror on white males of his demeanor or white males period. He’s an equal opportunity asshole. Still there’s no surprise in what happened…
For some reason, it was the three of us in the car siding together on a joke and he jokingly said: “I hope all your mother’s die”. My mother is dead and I said “but my mother IS dead.”
“That’s kinda inappropriate.”
“I mean, how old were you when she died?”
“I was 3-months but still that doesn’t mean anything… She’s still dead and that was still rude.”
“So what? She coulda been a horrible mom. She coulda been a horrible person.”
He then went off on a tangent about how his mom was an alky or addict of some sort and how she was cruel and rude and the like…. I made the point that I’d rather have a horrible mom that was alive than any kinda dead mom. I just wish I could have had her in my life. He didn’t take that rebuttal. It didn’t hold water in his opinion.
He then polls the car on which race/gender is really THE worse driver. After gauging the other two (I remained tight lip, because I was already MAD), he says he thought black women were the worst drivers. It was a big spiel on black women being pushy and loud and always taking justice in their own hands to right anybody who had wrong them. He even did the stereotypical black woman impersonation complete with imaginary press-on nails.
“Nuhn-uhn, motherfucker. You got the wrong one. You ain’t cuttin’ me off on this interstate!”
The others in the car agreed with him about the way black women are and I’m not saying it’s wrong, but that’s not ALL black women. But that’s not even it. He then goes on a chauvinistic tangent about women period.
This is bad in itself, but it’s life. I’ma come across more of this until I die. That’s just the way it is. What I’m beating myself up about though… In some ways, I let this happen. Sometimes, on campus, we may come across hood niggas and tackhead bitches (worded for specific emphasis) and I will voice my opinion on how black people that are like that are not the kinda black people I rep. I’m not anybody’s stereotype. I don’t run in those circles. By having this stance, they felt like it was totally cool saying shit of this caliber in my presence. It just took some hurt feelings for me to realize it.
I don’t fit in with those specific black people, because I’m not that. I don’t fit in with the opposite black people (known as black preps around here) either. I just don’t. I don’t fit in with the white people in my program a whole lot if you take away the fact that we’re all interested in graphic design.
I got to this point by realizing that I need to reevaluate my friends based upon what happened. I might be a loner again.